I was debating if I should start a brand new Instagram account for way too long. It felt as necessary, as much needed online presence, as a form of an ID – to let people get to know me through witty captions, interesting stories, and tastefully edited photos. All while it also felt daunting, scary, and boring.. – who am I to post anything; I don’t have an interesting life, nor some value to share with the world. If I do come back to social media – I’ll have to be myself in the eye of the public; I can’t pretend, or take away from who I am, not again. – And then people I know from a long time ago will talk about this new, strange Nikola; my high-school classmates will talk between themselves how I changed in the recent years, I will be the topic of their conversations for a quick minute… – Yeah, that feels daunting and makes me feel exposed, I should forget about it and I should probably invest my time into something else.
This was the thought pattern I had been living for a couple of years. I wasn’t just ready to show myself up to the world, to share how I look, what I do, who I spend my time with, my style, work, hobbies, food I eat, etc. And you might be thinking – relax dude, it’s just an IG account, not your journal or your private chats you have with your friends. – For me, it was more than just a social media profile. It was about finding strength, and courage; being comfortable with being vulnerable, and doing it publicly. It was about coming to terms with who I am and what my worth is, it was about me being me for the first time, as strangely as it sounds.
There were different books I was reading at the moment, different podcasts and videos I was consuming, and wherever I looked – the message I was getting was to show up, to show myself to the world, to stop hiding Nikola. To be comfortable enough to share my struggles, shortcomings, fears, and even shame; to speak my truth that is both challenging and beautiful at the same time. And they promised that in return I would get to feel more confident, authentic, free, safe, and comfortable showing up in the offline world. It seemed like a great deal, and for someone who has been working on their mindset and investing in themselves – this felt like the next step I needed to take. – But I still don’t feel like taking photos and posting on Instagram, it feels outdated for some reason, it feels empty, almost like an act...
The idea of showing up online, after many years of being behind the curtains, made me feel excited. I could feel the rush of energy and all the benefits they were promising. Just visualizing myself putting it all out there (even the parts I feel ashamed of), gave me such a strength; it made me feel empowered and unapologetic, it gave me a taste of freedom that was so tangible. I was getting a rush of serotonin just thinking about it. – Okay, if Instagram doesn’t seem right, there has to be a different way of taking on this quest. I’ll figure out an avenue that works for me, I just need time.
Ever since I left Europe in 2017, I started journaling (writing my thoughts, emotions, and experiences in my journal). I’m still practicing it (and benefitting from it). – A few months back, I was talking to a friend about growth, mental health, and mindset, and I mentioned how journaling was an amazing tool for me to self-regulate, to show compassion and support for myself, and how it gave me a safe space to sit with my thoughts. He mentioned how he’s also journaling, and how he added an extra step to it: he has a specialized website/blog where he takes and uploads photos of his journal entries and then publishes them online. His journal lives online, accessible to the public. He told me how he plans to publish a book one day with his best entries, as a memoir. I was in awe of his determination and confidence. I thought how thrilling and amazing that must feel, … if only I could…
Being influenced by all the encouraging messages from books I was reading and podcasts I was listening to, that were somehow finding a way to get to me – the idea of creating this blog was born. After giving it some thought, it appeared as a hybrid mix of journaling, online presence, showing myself up to the world, exposing parts of myself that I was not proud of, being authentically me, and at the same time a way of getting to know this new online version of myself. I become so enthusiastic just thinking of having a place where I get to pour myself into. And as I mentioned in one of my other posts here, creating a home within was my 2023 intention. It all made perfect sense like it was only a matter of time when things would fall into the right place.
Writing a blog, for today’s version of me, makes perfect sense. I’m doing it for me. Not for the views, visitors, or followers – I’m doing it for myself. And all of a sudden – it even felt thrilling to start an Instagram account, a public one, with a link in bio that takes people (I may know, or strangers) to my very personal, yet public, blog. I feel freed, naked, authentic, vulnerable; and at the same time stronger and more me than I ever felt before. It feels good to show this Nikola to the world.
So, there it is. Here I am (and here you are). I’m doing it. I’m excited to see where this blog will lead me; how will I expand; which new side of me I will get to meet; and which new version of me will emerge (offline). Thank you for reading; and thank me for taking time, typing it all out, and going in.
Nikola and Nidjo
Home Within 