I was self-sabotaged many times by the perfectionist in me, I almost faked an illness a year ago so I don’t have to travel and officiate the wedding of the two very important people in my life. I was scared that I’d lose my voice in the middle of the ceremony, that my anxiety and fear would eat me alive, or that I would pass out, and drop the mic (not in a good way). The Perfectionist wasn’t alone; he had the Doubtful one right behind him, followed by the Lone Wolf, the Weak one, the Judgmental one, the Scared one… the line was long.
They also line up right behind me when I want to ask a question in front of the crowd, or share my opinion on a matter that is important to me, or when a year ago I wanted to come back to social media. Many times they were way louder than me in the past.
Well, today, I’m giving them the spotlight. I’m shining a light on them, listening to what they have to say. I’m also introducing to them their opposites that exist in me: the Human, the Brave one, the Compassionate one, and many others who were sitting quietly in the backstage – ones whose voices were silent. It’s time for me to give them all the space to exist, to hear what they have to say, to acknowledge and accept them. Fully. And even thanking them for being right by my side all these years and doing their best.
The Perfectionist
The Perfectionist in me – most of the time he makes me stressed out, he wants everything to be perfect: to look my best, to dress tastefully, to look perfectly put together; to speak perfect and fluent English, to have a perfect accent, perfect grammar; to have perfect answers, to have ALL the answers, to be knowledgeable about many topics, even the ones I never heard of; to have a perfect smile, body, hair, outfit… it’s hard to keep him happy and satisfied. Most of the time it’s not even possible to do so. He was determent to make me break the promise and not officiate the wedding. He’s the reason why I have many unfinished art projects around my apartment. He sucks the joy out of fun things.
– And yet, because of him, I will soon celebrate a 5th anniversary at the job that requires a high level of detail. Because of him, I get up every morning before sunrise and I hit the gym so I can get closer to the body I want to have. He can easily pick healthy food when grocery shopping. He steps in and takes Mila out for a long walk every day because that’s good for her health and development. He’s hungry for growth and learning.
– And I’m thankful for him. He makes me grow, strive, reach the next level, do better, and be better. I’m grateful for him. He plays a big role in where I am today. I thank him for existing and doing his job. He’s perfect in doing his job. Thank you!
The Human
The Human in me – I’m getting to know him and spend more time in his company lately. I try to remember to invite him every time the Perfectionist shows up. He’s like an antidote to the other one. Balance. He makes me feel at ease, he tells me it’s okay to make mistakes because that’s what humans do. Humans make mistakes, among many other things they do, and I’m a human – so I’m allowed to make mistakes. Not only that I’m allowed – I am expected to make mistakes. What a relief. And I did make many mistakes, and I will continue to for sure. And I’m okay with that. I know that’s a part of being alive. I welcome mistakes, and I accept them. If I knew better – I would do better.
He shows up when I take things way too personally, or when I think there is something wrong with me. Thanks to him, I found the courage and was able to stand in front of the crowd and officiate the wedding of two beautiful human beings, and I’ve experienced so much love, and it brings tears to my eyes whenever I think about that day.
Thank you Human for being there for me and reminding me that I’m doing well. I’m grateful for you, and I’m thrilled to hear what else you’ll have to say.
The Serious One
The Serious one in me – he tells me often to fix my posture, to stand upright, to sit straight; not to act in a certain way; not to make jokes, to be exact and precise when using words; not to go out and drink and waste money; not to doom-scroll on my phone; to drive below the speed limit; to have a secure 9-to-5, to save money, not to buy a new smartwatch…
Sometimes he’s very boring, strict, and overpowering. And yet – because of him I do stand taller, have a better posture, and I do drive only 10% over the speed limit. And I’m thankful for him for wanting me to be safe. He also makes me pay my bills, provide for myself, show up for work on time, be dedicated to it, and be reliable, respectful, and accountable. He’s great at making things happen, he likes to organize, and he’s also a natural leader. He can turn things around and make shit happen. He tells me when I need to save up money so I can afford things for my future self. And I thank him for that.
Thank you Serious one. It’s great to have you on my team. You are doing your job seriously well!
The Playful One
The Playful one in me – this one is getting more presence lately in my life. I invite him when I go out and dance, he’s a great cheerleader. He loves to play with my dog, make funny sounds, or just watch her being silly (Mila likes him a lot). He likes to move his body in funny ways, also he enjoys to twerk. I invite him when I go thrifting/buying new clothes; when I’m being creative or when I start a new art project. He encouraged me to try out the pleated pants for the first time, or to buy Dr Martens boots, or colorful Chuck Taylors. He and I had so much fun at Lizzo’s concert last summer, just the two of us. He shows up when I need to break the ice in a meeting. He also laughs with me when I step in a mud puddle in front of the airport, right before my flight, ankle deep.
He’s great and a fun company to be around, I’m thankful for him. Thank you for teaching me how not to take myself seriously. You are amazing!
The Lone Wolf
The Lone Wolf in me – this one makes me stay at home and spend the time all alone. Many, many times he said No to others, No to new job opportunities, No to new friend groups. He’s selfish sometimes. He prefers to keep me for himself. He’s the one who leaves the gatherings secretly (because he didn’t even want to go in the first place). He doesn’t like the social media. He said he doesn’t care about the politics, pandemics, or wars, he doesn’t want to know what’s going on. He prefers to hang out with the Serious one. They are like BFFs. They like to build walls and pretend somebody else built them.
– And yet, he was there to protect me by removing me from toxic environments, to take me and move me to the other continent, to show me the door and a way out. He even brought me here to Charlotte, where I didn’t know anyone when I moved; he’s the reason why I started working from home.
He has been a big part of my life, and I thank him for his service. He has been protecting and taking care of me since very young age. I thank him for being there for me and taking care of me, I see how he just had the best intentions for me. He’s amazing. I love and accept him. Thank you for your service and your company.
The Social One
The Social one in me – he used to conform, and say Yes many times when the Lone Wolf was shouting No; he liked to please people. He used to do things for others just to be liked and approved of. He would do anything just to fit in, he was the reason for many masks I wore in the past. Those masks felt convenient and provided safety, and I’m grateful for it. He did the best he knew at the time.
Now, I invite him to be by my side when I go out and dance; when I explore group yoga or a group hike. I ask him for advice and courage when downloading that dating app for the hundredth time. He’s doing his best, he’s optimistic and faithful. He knows very well how to listen, he’s an empath, he feels everything that a person in front of him feels – he’s like a mind reader. He has superpowers. And, if you ask me – he has a very special sense of humor.
I like to spend time with him more often now as he’s stepping into his true power, I like to laugh with him and others, eat and drink, go out, and even be vulnerable with others. He is so great. I’m happy to have him in my life. Thank you for your social skills!
to be continued…
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