As I’m sitting in a rocking chair, feeling the chilly October breeze coming from outside, I feel so grounded now, as I’m in the right place at the right time. I feel so peaceful, feeling enough, light, worthy, loved. This is the feeling that hits me from time to time. In those moments, a tiny half smile shows up on my face as if it’s here to remind me that this is the truth, this is the feeling that everything is all about. I can’t explain it better than that. It feels right. It feels easy to be. It feels enough. It feels like everything. To me – this is life. This feeling inside rushes through my body, it travels from my lips that turn into a smile, through the chills on my skin, to the tears in my eyes. I wish I had better words to describe it.
I’ve felt this feeling many times before. I think I’ve experienced this feeling as a kid riding with the wind on my rollerblades, making those tricky turns and letting forces of physics carry my body and guide me. The feeling when you feel your body and yourself being alive in it. Feeling that ensures me that I am being a part of something greater, that I’m not just another driver stuck in traffic, or an employee working through the deadline.
This feeling comes to me when I dance like nobody is watching – when my thinking mind stops being judgmental of myself and others. Ecstatic Dance has been my go-to physical portal to this feeling. Letting your body move freely, judgment-free, and feeling the joy of being alive – experiencing myself as a 10-year-old rollerblading all over again. Feeling the aliveness in my body; feeling the wind on my skin; the energy rushing through my flash; the earth beneath carrying and supporting me.. – that’s what I’m craving. I’m craving the feeling more than anything else.
I immersed myself many times in warm Key West sunrises and sunsets. I felt showered with those golden lights coming from the horizon far away, reflected from the blue, bright blue ocean. In those moments I felt one with it. Completely present, mindful, soaking up all the warm colors and rhythmic waves coming from the far. I felt as if I belong, as I’m a part of what is. As if I deserve to take up space.
I try to devote a few moments every day to allow myself to go into that feeling, to experience it physically. Before sunrise, I light up a candle and burn sage and/or palo santo. Just the smell of it makes me feel pressent and inward. I’ve been reading daily meditations from the book called Journey to Heart by Melody Beattie. Those short one-page entries keep me grounded and remind me to be kind, open-hearted, forgiving and loving towards myself. Walking my dog in nature is another opportunity to reach for those good feelings – I would stop walking, stand still in the middle of it, and feel the air and sun on my face. Noticing the leaves dancing in the wind; trees standing straight and pointing to the sky; ground supporting me unconditionally, oh… what a great time to be alive.
Inviting these moments into my daily life, I get to look back at my past experiences; experiences of struggle, pain, doubt, and unworthiness and be so grateful in the now. Grateful for the lessons, grateful for them being over, grateful for me going through them and who I got to be today because of it, and even grateful for all the future experiences, “good or bad”. Loving what is – that is it. No judgment, no adding labels, no post-it notes, no good or bad – just what is. Being present and being a part of it.
I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality
– Byron Katie .
It’s funny how I didn’t plan to write about this, it just came to me with the breeze from the outside. Is this a sign? Maybe, maybe not. Now it’s written and published.
With love, Nikola and Nidjo
P.S. Don’t be mistaken – the other days come too. They come in multiples, usually without any warning. They come, they linger around, they can get heavy, overpowering, dark, fearful… Those days call for various things that have the power to numb. Whether it’s excessive running, or overeating, drinking, or doom-scrolling, or online “window shopping”, or something else. The difference is – now I know those days pass too. Good days pass, bad days pass. – Impermanance. Impermanence is a principle of harmony.
When we don’t struggle against it, we are in harmony with reality – Pema Chodron.
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