As usual, I woke up before sunrise and as I’m brewing the coffee, this time, I decided to brew just enough for one cup. He’s not getting a coffee in bed this morning. That’s my way of showing that I’m hurtting again by another broken promise. He said he will come home before midnight. He came home drunk at 6AM. Again. Is this how my life will be from now on? Does he care about me even a little bit? Does he love me at all? What does it mean to be loved?
I always thought “to be loved” means another person loves you, and you feel that love coming from them. They say they love you, and they show it to you; they tell it to the world too; they give you their time and attention; they make plans with you; you travel together, enjoy different things, move in together; you both say the happiest Yes together. So they love you, right? – I didn’t feel loved those last 10 hours? Truth to be told, I didn’t feel it in months. How can we really know that we are loved?
I consider myself to be an optimistic type of person, always looking on the good side of things – not because I think that’s the way to do it. But because that feels good to me, that serves me. I learned when someone says “I love you” it can mean many different things. Being 31 today and looking back, I can see glimpses of love, and it was never the unconditional love (except for the love from my dog, Mila). Most of the time, it was “I love you, and this is what I expect from you”, or “this is what you need to be (for me) and then I’ll keep on loving you”. Was I the same way – if you accept me for me and give me what I need – I will show up for you, and I will love you, and I will bring you coffee in bed even if you left me hanging, again? I used to bring many coffees in bed after similar situations, prior to that morning, and I didn’t feel loved. I don’t think I ever felt truly loved by someone. So, being loved must come from a different source, was I wrong my whole life up until this point.
I didn’t bring him coffee that morning. I even left for work earlier so I don’t have to look him in the eyes. I felt played, like I was dumb, like I didn’t matter one bit. Was I even worthy of his love? And not just his love, how about my parent’s love, my friend’s love?
The other day, during an online training, we were asked to write down, without any thinking, what is love for us (what comes is what it’s in our subconsciousness). I wrote: love is warm, soft, sweet and cozy feeling; love is easy; love is when you match, mirror in feelings, reflect each other, love is when you do things for someone you love without them even asking. And then I realized that’s not the definition of love I want, at least the second half; that’s a very conditional love and I had many of them in my life and they don’t feel good. I realized that I was also giving away my love to others under conditions. I was like the others, for the bigger part. I was like those that I was condemning for putting on the conditions. So, what should I do with this now? How does the, opposite, unconditional love look like?
Unconditional love is when we love no matter what, no condition can change it. It’s the purest type of love. That’s when we return home after only 5 minutes of being gone, and our dogs get insanely happy and excited to see us again. That’s when no matter what we do, we know the other side will be accepting of us, they will show up, and create space for us. And I don’t think I ever felt a love like that. Even I wasn’t loving in that way. So, how do I practice that type of love? How can I love unconditionally?
When I expected him to be a certain way (for me), or do something, or even hold onto his promises – my love for him lost it’s purity; it got murky. I left it up to him to make it up, or do the thing, or behave in my preferred way, or give me his time, attention, presence and then I will keep on loving him. Oh my. So. Many. Conditions. And that’s how the conditional love forms. All of a sudden I didn’t feel the love for him anymore, my whole focus was on the conditions that I wanted him to meet.
Parallel with the conditional love goes the feeling of feeling (un)loved. When I noticed him not doing what I expected him to do, I started to feel being not enough for him, not being worthy enough, even unlovable. And that’s the trap I’ve fallen into, many times. – I will love you : (if) you meet this condition : (and then) I will feel loved by you : (and then) we call this love. That results in nobody feeling loved anymore, not me, not you. So what is the real love, the unconditional love then?
Unconditional love is when you love someone no matter what they do or say. It’s when you love them with every cell of your being. You love their shortcomings; their wins and loses; their flaws, fears, insecurities. You love all of it, and all of them. You just love. Love.
If I love you, I feel that love inside of me. That love lives in me. I benefit from it. I get motivated and inspired, energized and creative for having those feelings for you. I get to wake up with the sunshine in my eyes. You could be sitting next me, or miles away, or showing up as a text on my screen, or just an image in my head – it doesn’t matter – I still love you, and I still get all the benefits from loving you.
I used to tell my ex husband I love you. But really, was I? If I truly loved him unconditionally – I should still be loving him even if he spent the whole night away. That, unfortunately, wasn’t the case. This realization made me feel completely empty, like an empty shell. I was married, and suddenly I didn’t know how to love. I forgot how to love. I got carried away by the broken promises and failed expectations. Even more – I’m not sure even if I know how to love now. And it tears me apart.
I believe love is who we are; we are all made of love. When we fell in love we see just the bright future, an ideal image of us being in love. We feel like us again, we feel ALIVE! And it would all be great if we can keep our thinking mind in check. Being a human carries all sorts of thoughts, fears, emotional baggage, traums, not so loving and nurturing upbringings, (…). After some time, those human experiences come up to the surface and feeling of being in love gets overpowered. Those are the times when we decide not to bring them a coffee in bed, when we can’t look at them in the eyes, when we avoid to talk to them, when we reach for the easy fix (pick your poison). That’s a part of being a human. – And we can be a better and a bigger human when we remind ourselves that love lives in us at all times.
I hope I can find that unconditional love inside of me every second, and shower myself in it every day. That’s what love is for me at least.
Love,
Nidjo and Nikola
Home Within 