Parts of Me is a series of essays where I explore all the different parts of myself. Looking into good sides, and less-than-good sides. I’m shining a light on the ones that have been loud, listening to what they have to say. I’m also gently inviting other parts who were sitting quietly in the backstage – ones whose voices were silent. It’s time for me to give them all the space to exist, to hear the messages they hold, to acknowledge and accept them. Fully. And even thanking them for being right by my side all these years and doing their best.
The Scared One
The Scared One in me – oh. How much energy and mental capacity he had consumed (not to say waste). He was scared of other people’s judgments, scared of not knowing all the answers, scared of messing up the wedding ceremony, scared of making mistakes at work, scared of not being able to pay rent in the future (even though we had money sitting in a bank)… He was always scared so he created feelings of lack, unworthiness, and being unlovable from within me.
And I get it – all these things and many others are certainly not enjoyable or desired. – Who would want to be called bad names in front of the other kids during lunchtime? Who wants to witness their parents constantly fighting? Who wants to be attacked? Who wants to witness abuse? Who wants to be made less of a person, for whatever reason? Who wants to be ignored, denied, or unlovable? – No one! That’s when he showed up in my life.
He was there to remove me before something bad could happen to me. He blew up many situations out of proportion to make a point. Unintentionally, he had a big effect on me and other parts of me – the Sensitive one, the Emotional one, the Insecure one, and the Troubled one. He put them under his spell: the first two started hiding away so they couldn’t be reached and attacked; the other two joined him so his narratives got even louder. Those were the times when I built walls; times when I left home to spend a night in a hotel because I didn’t feel safe; when I pulled out my phone to record the drunk fights; when I ran away; when I didn’t ask for help; when I declined a safe space. Those were the times when I lost myself too.
– And yet, because of him – I left many unsafe situations. Because of him, I decided I would never share a ride with a drunk driver again. He’s the reason why I started this blog.. (a friend of mine recently invited me twice to join his Men’s support group, and even though I knew how wonderful and kind and compassionate those men are – I couldn’t make myself go because the Scared one was loud. That’s when I realized I needed to do something and approach this issue in a radical way – I started this blog. Because of him).
Because of the Scared one, I left my past relationships. Could I’ve stayed – Yes; could I’ve taken a different approach – Yes; could I’ve given us another new chance – Yes; could I’ve taken a break from a distance and then returned and worked on things again – probably Yes. And yet – the Scared one in me was so protective of me; he was so loud that I couldn’t hear any other parts in me, I couldn’t hear myself. I packed and I left. Sometimes the Idealist and the Hopeful one in me would show up hoping things could change so I could return. But the Scared one couldn’t put his shield down. He was so focused on finding reasons that could hurt me, blowing them out of proportion so I would get scared even more and stay away. Dear Scared one, I know you had good intentions. I know you were just protecting me. I know you did the best you knew. I accept you and what you have done for me.
He might have made many mistakes in the past, and I can see the good deeds behind all of them. He was so devoted to protecting me. And I thank him for that. Thank you for doing your job. I am today who I am because of you and many other parts within me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I accept you, I hear you, and I love you. I need you to know that you can rest now, I’m capable of taking care of us. I’m an adult now and I can navigate hard things. And if I ever need your help and input – I know you will be eager to help. Thank you for being you!
The Brave One
The Brave One in me – this one! This one is the driving force behind any big decision I’ve made. He was there when I was deciding if I should move to a completely new city with no familiar faces. He was right there believing in me when I ran my first half-marathon in 2016. He was the one who 6 years ago whispered in my ear: you are moving across the sea, I know you can do it. I graduated back home and right after I could have gotten a real job, like many of my friends, but no – he was determined to make me move. I remember many questions I had for him: how will I find a job, who’s going to find and then pay the lawyers to work on my paperwork, where will I live, what will I do… And I remember him telling me all the time: don’t worry, we can do it together! Failing is not an option. If we have to wash dishes in a restaurant for a year and share a bunk bed – that’s what we will do. – I listen to him and that’s how my biggest adventure has begun. How brave of him! And me.
He’s the one who dared to apply for a job in an architectural firm without ever using professional English in the architectural field. He went there with me on that interview, owning himself. He was brave to tell them I didn’t have any professional experience working in an architectural firm, and if they hired me – they would be up for a big surprise. He was so full of faith and courage that he didn’t even consider the option where they would not hire me. How brave! And silly. And it worked!
The Brave One in me who started this blog, with support from other parts. Who would have thought that I would be here publicly talking (typing) about all my struggles, identities, pain, experiences, and just being vulnerable? And you know what? – I feel stronger, safer, prouder and more immovable about myself than ever before! He gave me the courage. He truly is the testament to Brene Brown’s quote: “Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measure of courage”.
Thank you the Brave One. I certainly wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t have you. Thank you for your service. Thank you for doing your job so darn well! I love you and I’m grateful to have you on my team! Let’s hang out together more often!
The Critic
The Critic in me is very judgmental. He judges people who are different from him – how they dress, how they walk, talk, eat, do their jobs, … exist. He can say a lot about them, and most of it is not nice. He’s very distant and cold. Unfriendly. I used to not like him, the same way as I didn’t like the others who are judgmental towards me, and yet – he’s a part of me.
He tries to predict other’s intentions, thoughts, actions, and almost most of the time – he’s wrong. He is able to make up a story about someone, for example – just based on their outfit. Very superficial. He also judges me – how I walk and talk, how I behave, what I wear, how my body looks. He hangs out a lot with Perfectionist, they finish each other’s sentences.
And yet – he has had good intentions since day 1 when I met him. He showed up when I was young and when others were cruel and not nice to me. He started doing his job from the first day – protecting me by judging others. As soon as he showed up he could’ve told me if someone was safe to be around, or if I should distance myself. He was protecting the Sensitive, Weak, Innocent, Naive, Playful, and Emotional ones in me, by quickly judging others. He was able to quickly label them as safe or dangerous.
He and the Lone Wolf in me kept me away from opening up to new people, from strangers that could cause me harm. They were protecting me all this time, and I thank them for that. I want to tell them that I’m safe now. I’m an adult now, and I have many resources and I can take care of myself in any given situation. Critic, did your job really well, I know you did the best you could and I know you always had good intentions; and now it’s time for you to put your guard down, let other parts of me step forward and do what they do the best. I love you! I’m so grateful for you! I got you, – and I got us. I promise. You can rest now.
The Compassionate One
The Compassionate one in me – this one was lost for some time. I couldn’t find him, and even when I did – he would act weirdly as if he was somehow conditioned. In those times, he would sit with other people and listen to them and what they were going through, and then he would tell them how he was going through something similar so they would feel “better”. He believed what he did was a genuine act of care, but most of the time it was just a way for him to be accepted and liked, approved of – so he could fit in. That was his way of protecting me. That was slightly selfish of him, sort of a false compassion. He didn’t know better than that. And I forgive him. I know he had only good intentions.
Last few years we worked together, read books, went deep in, and he was able to change. We both did. He’s more his true self than ever. He got a promotion recently. I put him in a role where he’s the one now that gets to meet others first. And this time – he knows how to be genuinely compassionate. He finds compassion for everything and everyone, and then he showers them with love, understanding, and acceptance. He creates space for others and for what they are going through. This is how he does it, even when he doesn’t share the same perspective – “Oh, you are passionate about ____ (insert: presidential candidate, driving, career choices, meat, veganism, blaming others, being a victim)? I can understand it because I’m also passionate about books and growth at the moment, and that makes us the same. I’m passionate about some things, and you are passionate about other things. Passion is a passion. You must feel good when you are feeling passionate, same here“. He sees all the differences we all have as common things through which we are all the same.
One of the big lessons he taught me, that I’m very grateful for, is about my relationship with my parents. You see, ever since I came out to my parents – they gave up on me. I haven’t talked to my dad since, and my mom ignores the bigger part of me – to the extent that we text each other every other month or so, just the superficial stuff.
The Critic, Perfectionist, Idealist, and the Self Righteous one got together (let’s call them the Team) and they took the lead, – they wanted to change my parents. They had an image in their head of what loving and supportive parents look like, and they were comparing my parents to that image. Needless to say – my parents didn’t fit the image. So The Team was trying to change them, to modify their opinions, views, and beliefs; to reach their hearts somehow. There was a constant push and pull between them, and all at my expense. It was them vs them. And I struggled through that process – I was deeply sad, and then disappointed, and then I started being angry (more on this in a different post).
– And then after a few years of tug and war, the Compassionate one showed up. He brought wisdom and love into the picture. I’m not sure where he pulled this from, and he told me this: “Nikola, I understand that you feel like that, and I’m not going to take it away from you. And if you want to end the suffering you need to understand one thing – you denied and ignored a huge part of yourself for 25+ years, you struggled with opening your mind and exploring the idea of being gay. You judged others, straight or gay, you avoided them and you avoided yourself. You know how that feels – it’s hard and painful, it’s cold and lonely, it’s a black and white world, it’s a straight life or no life, you remember it? Well – your mom and dad probably feel the same way. You took their son they had for 25 years away without any warning. How painful that could be? And guess who they will blame – the New you. And also let’s not forget – It took You 25 long years to accept YOU, and you expect them to accept the New You overnight. That’s not how it works. I think you should give them some credit and allow them to go through it at their own pace. They deserve it.
The Compassionate one taught me how to love unconditionally. To love everything and everyone that’s less than perfect. To understand and feel what others are going through. To not make it about myself, and instead – to give others the space to be, feel, and behave in their own way. Just like I want to be treated. He took away the sadness, anger, self-righteousness, and disappointment I felt for a couple of years. He made space in me so the love and peace could move in. What he did there was a pivotal shift in me. He showed me how to be kind and understanding; how to accept what is; how to open up my heart and eyes for others. Thank you The Compassionate One – you are my teacher for life.
to be continued…
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